The Passing Time

photo by J. Festin

Musings...

It's now October! And soon it will be Christmas, then 2022, then come March, it will have been two years since the first lockdown. How time flies!

***

I notice I tend to become preoccupied with health concerns lately. Perhaps this is what lockdown has done to us in general. Anxiety over health predominates. Was I exposed to covid? I feel an itch in my throat. Or, my nose feels a bit sneezy. Or my head suddenly aches. Could I be experiencing mild covid?  Perhaps the person I was with is an asymptomatic.  Should I self-isolate as a precaution? 

It's becoming harder to distinguish if an itchy throat is simply a result of bacterial exposure, or if already my immune system is trying to battle with covid germs. Nakakaloka! Nakaka-praning! Paranoia at its height. Hypochondriasis covidus!!

I noted the other day that my thoughts tend to get out of hand. A pain in my body quickly jumpstarts my imagination. Bump on the shoulder - Do I have a cancerous tumour? Swelling in my gum - Will bacteria invade my face or even go to the heart area and cause complications? Light palpitations in my heart - Am I about to get a mild stroke? My neck and upper shoulder are in pain - Do I have spinal complication? The worries just spin round and around.

Until I remind myself to just lift all concerns up in prayer, keep practicing safety protocols and work on calculated risks. Then let worries that arrive in my mind flow away, the way water flows from the brook into the river, and out to the sea. In and out. Like how air comes into our nostrils, and goes out from our nostrils. 

In these moments of worry, to try to just be.  To entrust to Him. Then to be still like the unchanging sky.  

***

Yesterday, my colleague gave us a talk about the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius. The whole 30-days of prayers is a most precious opportunity to Be with our Lord. I have not yet tried the 30-day retreat, but have been most fortunate to have undergone the 19th Annotation version of the exercises, which spans a   9-month period. While listening to the talk yesterday, I couldn't help but recall how the exercises have changed my life. Learning how to pray, drawing closer to our Lord, committing to a lifelong practice of discernment and openness to Him.. I never imagined that the journey would flow this way when I was in my '20's and '30's. And yet, here I am at 60, having now experienced at least a good 17 years of continually awakening to our God.   

My mind is toying with the idea of undergoing another 19th annotation sometime in the future. Perhaps at age 70? Our family friend priest once said that doing the exercises is like getting to know a friend over again, since there will always be more and more to know and experience with this friend. To see Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, follow Thee more nearly, day by day. It never ends. Unto death and beyond.

This 3rd 19th annotation could be part of preparations for a seamless, loving, gentle homecoming. Coming home to our Creator, and to the truest self that He gifted us with. They will merge. Our truest self, and our Creator. One and the same. Union.

***

Who really knows how long we will live? This thought has been coming and going in my awareness especially during this pandemic. Not that I obsess about it. But simply I allow it to come and go. The thought grounds me. Reminds me to make good my days on earth. To de-clutter my life, not only materially, but in every way. To empty so as to be filled with what matters. 

I am far from there. I am still so caught up and tied up with daily fare. With my work, which I love, but which may at a certain point become an obstacle to this emptying. Like is said in the Ecclessiastes, there is a time for everything under the sun. An expansion and a contraction. A time to engage, and a time to disengage. I time to be filled with meaningful work, and a time to let go. 

There is no urgency today to let go completely of my therapy work. Not yet. But there is also a growing desire to pursue spiritual work. In what form, it is not yet clear. But I want to listen to this voice that calls. That invites. 

In time. 

In His time.

Kairos.

In the meantime, I will just live. Live and let live. Just be. Just this. Empty but full. Full for empty.

***

The children are maturing fast. I notice how they are working for their own lives, their own future. They are fully grown and they are wonderful. My heart is filled with pride and joy and gratitude for these children. Forever our children to love and to cherish. 

Lord, you have blessed us with these treasures so deep and so good. 

Thank you.