COVID Diaries 2
On the first night that I was in the hospital, I immediately felt a strong draft coming from the air condition. The wind was blowing straight at my arms and made me feel cold. I already had a phobia and fear of getting chilled, and began to feel bothered by this draft. After struggling with the situation for some time, I thought of asking the nurse on duty to cover the aircon's blinds with cardboard. The nurse very accommodatingly went straight to the task. She did a great job of securing the cardboard cover over the blinds with the use of medical tape!
The following day, Holy Wednesday, I was told that they would put me on remdesvir treatment. The drug was out of stock in many hospitals around the city due to the high number of covid cases everywhere, but fortunately this hospital had supply. What a relief! At least treatment could start very soon. Because it had to be administered intravenously, the IV line had to be installed. The nurses seemed to sweat a lot and several gave up when it was their turn to try installing the needle, and had to call for help.
This was quite a challenge. In the midst of my body aches and semi-consciousness, I was aware that one, then another, then finally perhaps the most gifted among them in terms of needle insertion, finally got the needle in! The line was now ready. What a relief!
Aside from remdesvir, they also administered tocilizumab, as well as dexamethasone, and an anti-coagulant. These all took some time, so I was basically bed-bound. They also collected blood samples for the needed blood tests. There was the regular extraction, which brought a lot of sweat on the forehead of the male nurse who couldn't seem to find my vein. He tried so many attempts then had to call another nurse to try. Then there was also a different kind of extraction, from the pulse area. That hurt very much, and was also done on the following days, huhuhu.
Somehow, I stayed quite calm. I couldn't think much, which was also good. I just needed to focus on eating, resting, and following the procedures that were unfolding. As doctors streamed in and out of the room during the morning, I dutifully answered all their questions and tried to listen carefully to the data and information they would give on covid treatment. I could sense that this hospital had a team of highly competent medical doctors, and that I could trust their judgement. I just had to do my part of supplying them information on how I was feeling, and also making the effort to do deep breathing to help my lungs.
BREATHING
Let me say something now about deep breathing. Yoga and zen have through the years made me highly appreciative of the breath. The importance of air inflow and outflow. How oxygen that runs through the body is the breath of life. And now, to help counter the severe pneumonia, I was being asked to do deep breathing very seriously. It was soooo difficult! I was hooked to the oxygen supply coming from the wall. They started me out on level 5, the highest level of infusion of oxygen. This helped me to breath. But whenever I had to remove the tube to go to the CR, I would immediately feel my chest cavity collapsing! Whenever I tried to do deep breathing, right at the very first breath I would quickly give up. It felt like climbing stairs. After taking one step up, you suddenly collapse two or three steps down. So I would stop trying. Best to just hurry through in the CR and get back to that wonderful oxygen supply!
FEVER AND CHILLS
Covid fever started on March 21, and by Holy Wednesday, March 31, fever was still raging in my body, in a highly persistent off and on way. There would be moments of seeming normalcy, and then the gradual build up. My bones would start to ache, and my feet would start to feel cold. Then the body ache would intensify, and a more intense chill would set in. I tried to increase the time from one biogenic to another by at least 3 hours. But within that time, fever would still build up. There was one particular time when I was soooo chilled to the bone, that I lay in a crouched position and dared not move lest the cold intensify further. But I knew I had to get up to go near the telephone which was quite a distance from the bed. I wanted to call the nurse station so that I could request for the heat lamp. This was a particularly huge challenge. So I got up despite being super-chilled, then quickly dialled and called for help. The nurse on duty came with the precious heat lamp which I thought could be my saviour. But after an hour, the cold was still there. Finally, upon taking a biogesic, the fever came down. Since that time, I decided not to rely on the heat lamp anymore. Good ol' biogesic would be my true saviour!
After the chills came the sweat once the fever went away. My clothes would feel as if they had just been soaked in a basin of water! The bed linens would get all wet too. So even with an aching body, I had to get up, temporarily part with my beloved oxygen tube, quickly go to the CR and change into a new set of dry clothes, all while focusing the mind on breath... one breath at a time, so that I would not feel the collapsing of the lungs as much. Such series of operations happened several times on Holy Wednesday, and also on Holy Thursday. I had to call my family to send over as many sets of clothes as they could find, so I would not ran out while still in the hospital. So much for those two days as holy days. Perhaps the drenching in sweat could be considered a holy sweating of sorts? Being blessed in water?!? I could hardly pray on those days but kept the audio recording of the Holy Rosary by the Aquino sisters running throughout the day. Their voice and the prayers gave me some measure of comfort and companionship on those days. Holy, yes.
On Holy Thursday, I received the news from the doctors that the remdesvir needed to be stopped. The results of the blood tests the day before showed that the inflammation markers (ferritin level, liver enzymes levels) shot up to even more dangerous heights. When I first arrived, the ferritin was already at a critically high level of 2000 versus the normal upper limit of 50. After the remdesvir, this shot up to a shocking 4000! And the liver enzymes which usually cap at 50, was around 500! I felt discouraged by the news. I also could sense from their tone, that the team of doctors were also still in a figuring out mode on how best to help me.
They finally decided to keep me on the dexamethosone steroid, but to stop the remdesvir. They also needed to understand what was going on with my liver. Was there a pre-existing condition? Hepatitis? Cirrhosis? They had me undergo an ultrasound of the liver that night, but nothing unusual showed up, leading them to conclude that toxins may have been caused by the herbal medicine I had drank the week before. However, even that was inconclusive.
Another decision was to explore having me undergo an invasive procedure called hemoperfusion. I had never heard of that term before so it was Greek to me, but they explained that a tube would have to be inserted in my neck area and a tube would be inserted to hook me to a machine like in dialysis. Then my blood would be routed into the machine, where toxins would be segregated, before blood would be returned into my body. The hemoperfusion was planned for the next day, Good Friday. Talk about Holy Week and Good Friday, this procedure felt like a "death" or doomsday of some sort to me. Especially when they said that if the tube could not be inserted in my neck area, that they would have to do so in the thigh area. And that if they resort to this, I would be more immobilised. This would then be a problem for me because I was all alone in the room. I would need to keep calling the nurse station for help if I needed to get up! The nurses were very busy servicing so many other patients on the floor. And it would surely take very long before anyone could really come to help me when necessary. What a gloomy prospect. Before they mentioned that doing it in the thigh would mean immobility, I actually told them that I preferred to have it in the thigh than the neck. But later, after hearing what it would mean, I had to back track my words. Oops, in the neck instead please! So I quickly shifted to praying that the neck insertion would work.
As the hours of the day passed, I been to feel anxious, even if for the most part, from the start of my stay, I had been wonderfully calm. I messaged my doctor cousin and and admitted that I was afraid of the procedure. It was the first time that I said I was afraid of what was going on. I had been wanting to maintain a calm so that whenever I interact with already worried relatives, I can exude that calm and focus. But when the doctor described that a tube would have to be inserted into my neck area, this really scared me. It sounded risky and delicate.
AN ANGEL OF A NURSE
Particularly on that difficult Holy Thursday, lunch hour passed by and I still had not eaten. I just didn't feel like, even if I knew I needed the nutrition to start to recover. By around 2pm, the nurse on duty came and fortunately, quietly offered to help me a bit more than usual. She took a look at this poor sufferer, listened to me express distress over how I couldn't find the right position for lying down. She suggested we raise the top half of the bed, and also the portion under the knees, so that I can lean back while trying to eat. She volunteered to peel the mango fruit that was served as desert. She actually scooped the mango meat out, which was a big help because I really could not dirty my other hand due to the IV line, and the only way to eat the mango was to dirty both hands. She did all that, while keeping her gaze on me in silence, as if waiting for me to gather some effort to get up and eat. She also in a very soothing way encouraged me to keep a positive attitude about everything that was going on. Fighting spirit, she said. Please do not give up! She probably had an intuitive sense that I was really tired and spent of any energy. I also shared with her that the other nurse was quite strict about telling me not to take the paracetamol before the set time, and because of that, chills built up. This nurse, with much wisdom, said to me that I should just take the medicine if I was already feeling bad and not to worry that it was not yet time. Recalling those moments with her, I fully appreciate her presence. How I wish I had asked her her name so that I could pray for her. I remember asking her a little about her family. With the kind of care she gave, one can easily feel nourished and strengthened. She certainly was a bright spot in the midst of all the dreary pain.
MAMA MARY
In the past, Holy Thursday had always been a most special day for me. More than a decade ago (in the year 2005, which is already sixteen years ago), it was on Holy Thursday, during prayer, that our dear Lord "gave me" His bleeding vulnerable heart and asked me to take care of it. Every Holy Thursday thereafter, I would look forward to spending time after mass, kneeling or sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament in adoration and love. Usually, people would leave, one by one, sometime after adoration. When I would finally open my eyes and look around, I would realise that I was all alone with the Alone! It always feels special, to be alone with Him, who had entrusted His Heart to me. I would truly relish the moment, and it would be hard to finally get myself to leave and go home.
Well this year, 2021, was a very different experience. With days of fever and chills, body pains and no appetite, I was already feeling very exhausted from the battle. This covid battle was so long drawn out by now, and I was truly battle weary. The enemy was winning. It had taken control over our household, and of my body in particular. I felt my spirit giving up. My mind started to imagine the end. Hopes were dashed when the doctors reported that inflammation was still not under control and remained high. I was scared of the hemoperfusion that was supposed to happen the next day. How much more pain and discomfort would it bring? The doctors' war chest of miracle drugs seemed to be lacking promise. I was traumatised by fever and chills. The hospital bed continued to be uncomfortable. Breathing was still quite laborious. And so on and so forth.
I am not sure if I was physiologically heading towards the end. It certainly felt like it, although on hindsight, perhaps it is those who have to be intubated that are more into that state. But what seemed more pronounced was the delicate and fragile state of my own will and spirit. With everything that was happening and due to the prolonged state of the covid, and add on to that the uncertainty over the interventions, I felt my spirit spent, and very weak. I had so little energy to go on. I just wanted everything to stop.
For some reason though, and now I will just call it Grace, (Grace that comes when you need it most, when you don't even ask for it, but He above just knows when Has to do something drastic with you to save you...), I was somehow moved to go to the foot of our Lady of Lourdes. Dear, dear Lady of Lourdes!
I shall continue this story in my next posting, because this is a whole piece of experience in itself.
Suffice to share for now, that Holy Wednesday and Holy Thursday ended up becoming truly holy - and only because during those two days, I experienced significant pain and suffering that were part of the suffering of Christ. Christ, He who bears the suffering of all mankind. He suffers infinitesimally more suffering than anyone ever could. Through the huge pain that I experienced, I was somehow given a closer glimpse into the pain that He bears for us. The pain He carries is unimaginably huge, way, way beyond what anyone of us can ever comprehend.
And so came the deep realisation and appreciation that His Love is also infinitesimally huge. Way, way, way beyond what any of us could ever comprehend or even imagine. Yes, this is God's love for us. For you. For me. I only have to remember my bottoming out on those two holy days, and again I come more closely in touch once again with His love. My pain on those two days gave me something very concrete to hold on to now. His love. How he was in pain because he loves deeply. What a gift to see this. To see Thee more clearly. A gift that came out from Covid, my frenemy!
From this Covid illness, my heart got more full with an inner knowing and a closer touching of His Infinitely great love for us, for you and for me.
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