COVID Diaries 3: At the Foot of Our Lady
HOLY THURSDAY
On Holy Thursday, feeling very weary in this battle, I reached the point of near surrender. Unfortunately, this point of surrender was not to the will of God, but rather to declaring myself as ready to give up. It's hard to describe the actual happening within. I have gone through many crises in the past, including some extremely difficult ones. But I have always been a survivor. In the midst of suffering, I would have sufficient inner strength to forge on. Usually, spiritual armour would just be by my side. Plus will, faith, and a conviction that with help and support, all would be well. I am now 60 years old, so it has been decades that these various armour have served me well. Until last month.
On Holy Thursday, my spirit felt drained. I knew in my heart I wanted to and felt ready to go. I honestly and sincerely knew that in the past years, our forgiving God would continue to love me if ever I said, "Lord, I have already lived a life trying so hard to make good my offering of myself to you. With all my sins and shortcomings, for which I know you have already forgiven me, I feel ready to say goodbye to this life." But I think the Lord knew me better. He could see right through me, and my motives! He probably could see that these thoughts of mine were more about escaping pain and suffering than about being truly convinced that it was my time. He decided not to let me off the hook so easily. Instead, he must have rushed the Holy Spirit to overpower me with a potion! "Wait, wait... what makes you think I will ask you to join me now for eternity? Not so fast, my beloved daughter. Be still! I will send you something to fix your head first."
Everything happened in a flash. I began to think about our children. Images of how they have shown their love and care through the years. Not in a showy fashion, we are all too introverted for that, but in numerous, more low key ways, which are just as heartwarming. Their care and love are like gentle wind. Sometimes you don't feel it blowing. But on the occasions when you become aware of it, it envelopes the heart and brings tears of joy and fullness within.
I knew how stressful the past weeks had been for all of them. The worries, the responsibilities. The taking action to address our needs. We were all affected by this virus' entry into our home. There was no avoiding what was happening. Everyone had risen to the occasion. But without saying it aloud, we all knew that our situation was very worrisome. There were so many uncertainties. There was little time to process. Death was a real possibility.
I knew in that moment on Holy Thursday, that I had to kneel right way at the foot of Our Lady of Lourdes, and beg her to intercede for us, and ask God that I may live and recover well. To die in the hospital just like that was just unthinkable in terms of what would happen to our children's hearts! Their suffering would be immense and hugely traumatic. As their mother, I knew that I could still do something. And this was to pray very hard. To plead and beg for the miracle of healing.
Amidst the darkness in my mind and spirit, I had found someone to run to. This was Our Lady.
I begged, "Dearest Mama, please spare my life. Please ask God to make me start getting well already. The children have already suffered so much. It would be too much for them to bear if I were to die here. Just this once, please! If you let me live, I will, when I get well, talk to them at the right time, and tell them that next time, if something similar happens to me again, to be at peace with the fact that I am ready to go. I will prepare them to accept life's realities and to be at peace with such."
After talking with her, I was quite exhausted, but gathered up some strength to message my daughter. "May I ask you the favour to please tell (my classmates, my siblings, those who have been praying for us) to pray the Rosary and the Memorare daily." These words just came out of me. I later explained to my daughter, "I just know in my heart that this is all part."
What exactly did I mean when I said, "... this is all part.."? I was using my heart more than my rationale mind. What flowed was that Our Lady would so desire it, even if she did not explicitly say so. Just heart (mine) reading heart (hers). Just as I knew that heart (hers) was listening to heart (mine.)
After this, I felt calmed down. Inside became quiet. Silent. My body was still exhausted and still in fear of another fever/chill, but the fear was tempered by calm and silence.
*****
That night, I realized that hours earlier, in the midst of the flux and turmoil within, I actually felt like I was being carried. Many relatives, friends, colleagues had been telling me or telling others in our family that they were praying for us, and the energy and goodness of their prayers made me feel carried, lifted. I realized after that this is the value of prayers of the whole community. Especially during the times when one has no strength to pray for one's own needs, one is still lifted up and held securely by the community. It is the community's faith and hope and fervent prayers that truly hold us in these moments. Fullness of love comes forth to help the emptiness, to help the emptied. Empty yet full. Because of this experience, I now take very seriously any requests to me for prayers. We are vested with the power to lift others up. We cannot take this for granted. The power that comes from Him is filled with healing grace. I was the beneficiary of such healing grace that flowed from community. Now it is my turn to be an instrument of healing grace through prayers for others.
*****
A friend shared with me this photo which she must have taken with her own camera in one of her regular visits to Lourdes. She knew that we actually had a plan to go there last June 2020 but had to put this visit on hold due to the pandemic. Her photo is a most beautiful one.
A colleague shared a link to a most beautiful video of the procession use to take place every night at Lourdes (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AZOK77XWh8o ). I played it several times in the hospital. It felt energising and would keep me close to Our Lady.
*****
GOOD FRIDAY
Holy Thursday was so "eventful" albeit dark. But on Good Friday, it was as if the sun began to shine. Except for one temperature reading of fever very early in the morning, after that and throughout the day, the fever never came back. (Post Script: The fever never came back since that day and upto today!) I knew in my heart that I was going to get better. All was quiet, outside and within. A miracle had just happened and the awareness of this fullness of grace was just so silencing. Our prayers were answered. Only by the mercy and grace of our Beloved Lord, and by our dear Mama Mary's intervention at Lourdes, am I now being given this chance to still live. Live physically, and also more so, in spirit! More than just physical body and its healing, the miracle of grace was that my spirit, which had reached a very low point of almost no hope and the weakest level of will, is being given this chance to light up again and shine forth. Perhaps in the hope that this light can in the future also bring hope to others who may also be facing deep weariness and a weakening will.
From the core of my being, I kneel down in deep gratitude of my Lady and my beloved Lord. Thank you for this miracle of healing and love!
*****
I was told to just wait for the schedule for the hemoperfusion tube insertion. So I waited. This time I was calm. I had already accepted that this intervention will be done, and I just have to bravely go through it.
By late that night when I was wheeled to another floor for liver ultrasound, I was very calm. My spirit had lifted. I waited patiently in the corridor for the doctor to ready the room. It took quite a while but the utility clerk who had to wait in the corridor with me was very attentive and made sure that I was in the spot where the wind from the air condition was not that bothersome. I was calm enough to engage in small talk with him, and inquire about his life and job.
*****
HOLY SATURDAY
I was told that the nephrologist in charge wanted to wait. I seemed to be getting better! The inflammation markers, though still way out of range, had actually gone down. There was a chance that perhaps the drastic intervention of hemoperfusion would not be necessary.
I remained calm and aware of the inner silence within. I call this silence, "being sustained by grace". When praying, I also stayed beside Mama Mary, so aware that this Holy Saturday was the day when her sorrow was at its height. Christ her beloved son, whom she saw die, was now buried. Our Lady was left to grieve all that had happened throughout the days in the past week. How arrow after arrow must have pierced her tender heart! Now she was also silenced, with grief. I could only let her know that I was aware about her situation, and attempt to be with her.
Yet, at the foot of the grotto, in conversation with her, she told me clearly that, "I will see all of you (all five of us in the family who were supposed be there last June) here." She also requested that I continue to pray the four mysteries of the Holy Rosary daily, for the next nine days.
I took that to mean that she was telling me that I would recover from Covid, that all of us in the family will be safe from death from Covid, and that one day in the future we will still be able to all together realise this deep desire of mine that we be complete as we stand before her lovely image at the Lourdes grotto. One day.
Since that point in time, my husband and I continue to pray the rosary daily, on our own, at our own time, and occasionally together. We have had several opportunities to pray together at the foot of her image, which is live-streamed (yes, live!) via webcam and onto You Tube. For a few days, my siblings prayed the rosary together, which was a first since over four decades ago. And to date, three of them continue to pray together online. My high school classmates have been equally amazing! When my daughter sent them my request, they really rose to the occasion and prayed together via zoom daily. Then at a certain point, they shifted to weekly. After hospitalization and a couple of days rest, I was able to join them in prayer. I have continued to join them ever since, every week. We have become closer and more bonded by our praying together, praying for each other and for the intentions brought up. And of course, we enjoy chatting and updating each other of any news, after.
*****
So much good has come out of those darkest moments. Nothing that I could have foreseen at that time. I only "knew" in my heart that the Rosary and the Memorare were all part. Part of what? I did not even finish the thought in words. But if I were to complete the sentence now, perhaps it would be: I just knew in my heart that it was all part of our Mama's and my Beloved Lord's deepest desires that we pray. That we really pray. That we stay close by them and trust in Him.
MEMORARE
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known
that anyone who fled to your protection,
implored your help,
or sought your intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence,
I fly unto you,
O Virgin of virgins, my Mother.
To you I come,
before you I stand
sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in your mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.
🙏🙏
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