working from ideal? or being with the real...
It is great to have goals to give direction to our life, to guide our actions. But one thing I have started to realise at an older age is that working from ideals can be a double-edged sword. To learn about ideals, to form some for ourselves is ok but too overdo it can be detrimental to our emotional health.
I believe in the continuum of life... in almost everything we engage with, reality is neither just black or white, although many times we tend to see things that way. Reality is that there are many shades of grey along the line leading from black to white and from white to black.
The same way we have the undesired and the ideal on both sides of the continuum. Reality is we need to find where to place ourselves and our desires. Rather than an all-or-nothing approach which hooks us up to ideals that we eventually find very hard to let go, we may need to temper these, out of enlightened awareness now that living on ideals rarely bring us to love, peace, joy.. the true pearls of our existence.
When we idealise people, we end up putting ourselves down. Being fearful, being ashamed of who we think we are, of our inadequacies and lack of qualities that we believe our idealised person has. The more we idealise someone, the more we can not conceive him or her as just like us. He or she has to be up there. Beyond our reach. More powerful. Yes, we even give up our power by giving all to him or her. The power to decide on our happiness. The power to influence our perception of our worth. What a risky business! And yet we are not aware that we do this often.
Until we wake up and realise that it doesn't really work towards our good to idealise. When we gradually take the person off the pedestal, the person can then stand on the same ground we are on. Chances are, we now can see him or her at eye level. A fuller picture. Then we can see more clearly the spots on the person's cheeks, the leftover foods that fell on the persons shirt. The dandruff on the person's shoulder. Then he or she becomes just like us! We become more one in this space.
Likewise, we can also tend to idealise ourself. This is even more punishing to us! We have a part of us that may have been conditioned by our early experiences, that formed an ideal image of ourself that we think is real. Our very own ideal self is put on the pedestal that we create for ourself. Then we attach our identity to this ideal and say we have to be this. To be worthy, I must grow into this ideal. If not, shame on me! Or, we apologise to others for who we are. We hide ourself from public view. We berate ourself when we feel exposed for our lack of ideal qualities. The suffering is endless. It is like a form of masochism, without our knowing it as such.
How can we take down our ideal self from the stand we put it on? Take it down and remove the clothing of ideal, and instead clothe it with the real. With the AS, IS, WHERE IS me instead. When we let the truth of who we are stand on solid ground and not the grand stand, we will now see eye to eye with this self. We will notice the grumpiness, the impatience, the fearfulness, the vulnerable self, the self that needs love and care, the self that is at times clumsy, lonely, in need of affirmation, etc. Then we can go nearer and give this self our best warm hug and say, "Hey, it's alright to be who you are. Be just as you are. You are loved just as you are. You are enough. You don't ever need to be anyone else, certainly not an ideal. Just be you. Just be."
So enough of ideals please! As I said, this is not about all or nothing. Some ideals may be ok. But find your way to the just right point in the continuum. Do not move to the extreme. Just go to the point where love, peace and joy are truly present. And stay present here.
In this still point is the fullness of being, the fullness of loving and living. It the littleness and nothingness of this point is everything.
This is working from the real. In the hear and now.
This is such-ness!
I believe in the continuum of life... in almost everything we engage with, reality is neither just black or white, although many times we tend to see things that way. Reality is that there are many shades of grey along the line leading from black to white and from white to black.
The same way we have the undesired and the ideal on both sides of the continuum. Reality is we need to find where to place ourselves and our desires. Rather than an all-or-nothing approach which hooks us up to ideals that we eventually find very hard to let go, we may need to temper these, out of enlightened awareness now that living on ideals rarely bring us to love, peace, joy.. the true pearls of our existence.
When we idealise people, we end up putting ourselves down. Being fearful, being ashamed of who we think we are, of our inadequacies and lack of qualities that we believe our idealised person has. The more we idealise someone, the more we can not conceive him or her as just like us. He or she has to be up there. Beyond our reach. More powerful. Yes, we even give up our power by giving all to him or her. The power to decide on our happiness. The power to influence our perception of our worth. What a risky business! And yet we are not aware that we do this often.
Until we wake up and realise that it doesn't really work towards our good to idealise. When we gradually take the person off the pedestal, the person can then stand on the same ground we are on. Chances are, we now can see him or her at eye level. A fuller picture. Then we can see more clearly the spots on the person's cheeks, the leftover foods that fell on the persons shirt. The dandruff on the person's shoulder. Then he or she becomes just like us! We become more one in this space.
Likewise, we can also tend to idealise ourself. This is even more punishing to us! We have a part of us that may have been conditioned by our early experiences, that formed an ideal image of ourself that we think is real. Our very own ideal self is put on the pedestal that we create for ourself. Then we attach our identity to this ideal and say we have to be this. To be worthy, I must grow into this ideal. If not, shame on me! Or, we apologise to others for who we are. We hide ourself from public view. We berate ourself when we feel exposed for our lack of ideal qualities. The suffering is endless. It is like a form of masochism, without our knowing it as such.
How can we take down our ideal self from the stand we put it on? Take it down and remove the clothing of ideal, and instead clothe it with the real. With the AS, IS, WHERE IS me instead. When we let the truth of who we are stand on solid ground and not the grand stand, we will now see eye to eye with this self. We will notice the grumpiness, the impatience, the fearfulness, the vulnerable self, the self that needs love and care, the self that is at times clumsy, lonely, in need of affirmation, etc. Then we can go nearer and give this self our best warm hug and say, "Hey, it's alright to be who you are. Be just as you are. You are loved just as you are. You are enough. You don't ever need to be anyone else, certainly not an ideal. Just be you. Just be."
So enough of ideals please! As I said, this is not about all or nothing. Some ideals may be ok. But find your way to the just right point in the continuum. Do not move to the extreme. Just go to the point where love, peace and joy are truly present. And stay present here.
In this still point is the fullness of being, the fullness of loving and living. It the littleness and nothingness of this point is everything.
This is working from the real. In the hear and now.
This is such-ness!
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